Dutch to Grow Space-Pickles - on the Moon!

Dutch scientists plan to grow pickles on the moon from mid 2015.

The Netherlands (the smallest, poorest, western-most region of Germany) is very cramped for space to grow food because for generations Netherlanders have been converting all of their arable land into cycle paths.

So much land has been lost this way that farmers have been forced to reclaim land from the sea using a technique called 'polder' which translates to 'Keeping the sea back by making precarious hummocks out of mud and sticks. Jesus - one big wave and we're done-for'

The Dutch space agancy KSM (Koninklijke Spacevaart Maatschappij) has commissioned a study into the feasibility of growing and pickling gherkins on the moon.

The study runs to almost three pages and discusses the engineering and logistical challenges that a permanent farming colony on the moon would pose:

• Dutch astro-farmers will need liquid-fuel thrusters fitted to their bikes to keep them from floating off into space. Or lead clogs.
• The moon's low gravity will tend to produce giant pickles which could mean 1m tall pickle jars become the norm. Ikea have been approached and asked to create bigger kitchen cabinets to compensate. 
• A jar of space pickles will cost one billion euros - about the same as a return train ticket from Birmingham to London.

The first phase of the project - Netherlanders sitting round a table ignoring everyone else and stridently insisting their opinion is the most important - is due to be completed in January. The science, engineering, manufacturing, crew selection and training will be done during the first week of February, leaving twenty weeks for astro-farmers to visit each of their friends and relatives with a bunch of flowers, and sit in a circle eating apple cake and drinking coffee saying 'Lekker, lekker'.

NCA Launches Christmas Anti-Pickle Campaign

Pickles make you smarter - It's science!

Eating up to 6 pickles a day can increase your IQ to the level of a genius - but don't overdo it, or you may find yourself at the bottom of the class. At pickle-school.

Scientists at the Faculty of Savoury Snack Studies at Rhyl University today published research that shows eating pickles every day significantly increases your mental abilities.

"We fed a chimpanzee a precisely controlled number of pickles a day, and measured its IQ by timing how long it watched The One Show on BBC1. By the time it was up to five pickles day, the chimp was flinging poo at the screen during the opening credits, and tried to kill itself. This equates to an IQ of over 170, or nearly three PE teachers."

However after a sixth pickle the chimp slumped into a torpid stupor. An RSPCA observer intervened when the poor animal found a Michael Mcintyre 'quip' faintly amusing, causing the research to be halted amid fears for its mental state.

These findings contradict advice from the National Chutney Association which advises limiting pickle consumption to none or fewer a day, while maintaining a healthy intake of spiced preserves - at least five 500g jars a day.

An open Letter to Bronisław Komorowski, President Of Poland

Bronisław Komorowski - president of Poland

Bronisław.

Polish pickles are awesome. Not too vinegary, not too salty. Just right.

The people of Poland should be rewarded for this with a free public holiday; I'd suggest late-April would be a good time for this as the weather is usually nice; not too warm, but the chill's gone out of the air.

I'd also like to offer a personal gift to the people and Government of Poland; practical advice in case you ever plan on getting a space program up-and-running. Here's my Idea. Instead of using harpoons and ice anchors to attach satellites to asteroids, use Velcro instead.

Kind Regards, Mark



Plans for Robotic Asteroid Landing System:

10 Things You Never Knew About Pickles

1. The word 'pickle' is a concatenation of 'pick' to select purposely, and 'pickle' a preserved vegetable and literally means; to select purposely a preserved vegetable.

2. Pickles were invented in cave-man times as a way of preserving miniature vegetables to be used as Christmas tree decorations.

3. Pickles can be made from gherkins, small cucumbers, or onions.

4. Or cauliflower.

5. Cauliflower is traditionally pickled in dog-poo-yellow mustard and referred to as Piccalilli, as it leaves a horrible metallic aftertaste that is said to resemble the effect of licking a well-used handrail on the stairs down to Piccadilly Circus tube station.

6. Pickles generally come in jars containing 10 or more pickles

7. Large jars of pickles can contain 15 or more!

8. Pickles is also the name of the dog that found the World Cup when it was stolen.

9. Eric Pickles is a sour-faced politician who looks like he has eaten too many pickles.

10. The best pickles in the world come from Poland because the groundwater is acidic, so pickles come ready-pickled!